by Caryl Teh

Let’s keep it realistic & simple. We’re bound to encounter conflict, whether it’s between co-workers, family or friends. And sometimes if we’re caught up in the moment, we react against our better judgment. But there’s a better way to handle conflict. That’s why we’re bringing you some takeaways from the LEAD 2020 seminar on “Befriending Conflict” by Alvin Teh, the Corporate Strategy Consultant at THINKINT. 

This feature will come to you in two main parts: possible causes (FEAR), then strategy (The Fantastic 4).

Part 1: Possible Causes (FEAR)

Before we get into a suggested conflict-handling framework, it helps to slow down and walk our brains through four emotional factors that could be sparking or fuelling our confrontations.

1. F – Fool
   You might be afraid of being judged as a fool. This sometimes happens when people around you expect you to know something that you don’t, and you think that revealing this will cause them to think less of you.

2. E – Envy
   Is there someone you feel somewhat inferior to, or you think gets unmerited favour? You might be jealous of that person and so subconsciously always view their actions and intentions in a negative light, increasing your likelihood of disagreeing with them.

3. A – Anxiety
   For most humans, any situation that involves an element of uncertainty causes a feeling of insecurity to build up inside of you. And if you’re not careful, it might explode as negativity towards those around you. 

4. R – Rage
   Some conflicts arise because one of the parties has a short fuse and finds it difficult to manage their anger. But note that this rage might not be caused directly by the topic of the conflict at hand — there might be something else, something unrelated, that has been bothering them and hasn’t been addressed for some time.

Now that we’ve thought through some possible causes of conflict, the next time you’re faced with one, do a quick heart check and see if one of these emotions might be at play.

Part 2: Strategy (The Fantastic 4)

1. Smile
   People won’t talk to you to resolve a conflict unless they feel comfortable enough to do so. Something as simple as bringing it up with a smile or buying them a cup of coffee could create a more gracious environment to talk about it. Actions are much more effective at achieving this goal than just words.

2. Gratitude
   If you’re in a disagreement, it might be worth stopping to consider what the other person said. Thinking about the situation from a new perspective with an open mind could help you see opportunities to grow. Assume positively that the person who gave you feedback isn’t targeting you as an individual. They’re trying to work with you to find a better way forward. Be grateful and let them know that you value and appreciate their input.

3. Care
   In a conflict, things can get heated very fast with both sides speaking without thinking through things clearly. If it’s a relationship you want to continue growing, it will help to slow things down and show you care. Ask so you can understand why the person started the conflict or reacting that way.

4. Praise
   After you’ve tried to work through this conflict, voice out to the other person what you’ve learned. Your relationships will grow much richer when this is your mindset: I have no competitors, only collaborators. So let’s keep learning from each other!

In the Leadership Skill Shifts in 2020, Forbes said “Emotionally agile people are not only aware of their feelings, they know how to navigate through them.” Now that you know you’re more aware of your FEARs, and have the Fantastic 4 in your arsenal, you’re ready. Go forth, befriend conflict, and keep growing stronger relationships.